Every week, the Cut’s ‘Sex Diaries’ column features a new sex and dating story from an anonymous city dweller. This week, a 27-year-old New Yorker wonders if the co-worker she was having an affair with still wants to see her.
The Lawyer Who Called Off Her Wedding
Today has been a whirlwind. I was supposed to marry Will in two weeks. I love him, but I’m in love with someone else, and I’m not sure what to do. This week started with a reunion of sorts.
I’ve been working from home, so I haven’t seen everyone in person in a year. We’re all fully vaccinated now, so I agreed to meet up with work friends for dinner and drinks. I got there first, and when he walked in, I almost couldn’t handle it. He looked good enough to eat, in a dark suit and tie. He hugged me, and it felt like fireworks going off. We had been having an affair for six months, but we decided to cool things off because I was getting married.
Feelings Resurfacing
My dumb heart wanted me to believe that nothing would have changed and that I would still be in love with him, but that’s not how life works. Everything about him felt familiar, but different. He was more subdued and serious, almost like he was mourning something.
During dinner, I caught him looking at me more times than I could account for, but every time I met his gaze, he would quickly look away. We all went to a bar afterwards, and I made it a point to sit next to him. The electricity between us felt like a live wire.
Confusion and Uncertainty
After a few drinks, everyone started leaving. Soon, it was just the two of us. I couldn’t help but say it out loud, “I miss you. I miss us.” He didn’t say anything for a long time, just drank. When he finally spoke, his voice was low and rough, “I miss you too,” he said, “but things are different now.”
My head was spinning. Was he saying he didn’t want me anymore? Had he moved on? The silence was unbearable. We sat there in limbo, the tension thick enough to cut with a knife. It took all my courage to ask, “Do you still love me?”
A Heartbreaking Admission
He let out a heavy sigh and looked me straight in the eyes, “I never stopped loving you.” Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. How could he still love me and let me marry someone else? Guilt and confusion warred inside me.
He went on to explain that he didn’t want to be the reason I called off the wedding, that he wanted me to be sure of my decision without his influence. It was both noble and heartbreaking. Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized the depth of his sacrifice.
The Aftermath
We talked for hours that night, hashing out our feelings, our fears, our hopes. By the time the sun came up, I felt emotionally drained but also clearer than I had been in months. The decision loomed large before me, and I knew I couldn’t run from it anymore.
When he offered to walk me home, I knew it was a symbolic gesture. The streets were empty, and the city felt like it belonged to just us. I stopped outside my apartment building, and he turned to me, his eyes searching mine for answers.
A New Beginning
With a deep breath, I took his hand in mine and whispered, “I can’t do this. I can’t marry him knowing that you still love me.” His eyes softened, and he pulled me into a gentle embrace. In that moment, I knew I was making the right decision.
As he walked away, I felt a mix of emotions — sadness, relief, excitement. The next few days will be the hardest as I untangle my life from Will’s, but I know in my heart that this is the beginning of something new and real.
Final Reflections
Reflecting on this whirlwind of events, I can’t help but feel grateful for the honesty and bravery that brought me to this point. Life is messy and complicated, and love even more so. But in the end, following our hearts is the only way to find true happiness.
As I sit here, writing this, I realize that I am both scared and exhilarated for what the future holds. But one thing is certain — I am finally choosing myself, my happiness, and my truth.
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